Having a normal childhood was a fairytale for me. Unfortunately, my childhood was not only my nightmare, but my reality. It's easy to blame my parents for the choices and decisions that I've made in my life, especially when it came to drugs and destructive behaviors. But I can blame no one but myself, which leads me back to my upbringing . . .
At age five, I was sexually molested by my sixteen year-old brother, and this abuse continued until I was eleven. I was abandoned emotionally and physically by my mother and father. After years of chasing the attention that I've been yearning from my mother, I thought I had found what I was looking for in crystal meth at the age of fifteen. This love affair continued on into my 20s.
What do they say about addicts? We always want “more,” right? Well, more was what this addict was seeking. In the 1990s, I threw myself into the sex industry and became immersed in a long-term commitment to cocaine. I looked for more and more sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll to keep me sane, or at least that's what I thought.
My life continued to spiral downhill and I ended up in Las Vegas. I tried to quit by myself, stayed abstinent for a short period of time, but somehow found myself at the bottom of the devil's pit again. All this time I was living in my addiction and I was in complete denial. The disease manifested itself into other sick obsessions. I continued to use and act out in destructive behaviors. I shopped to relieve my pain and had sex with other men during my marriage. I felt like I was on death row and was tired of living in the insanity. I couldn't outrun my demons so I had to face them.
I bowed down and admitted myself into LVRC in December of 2009, a decision that would change my life forever. Today, I have eighteen months of true recovery. Because of what I learned at LVRC and the dedication and support of the staff there, I can let go and live; I can forgive and love; I can surrender and soar. Most importantly, I have the guidance and love of a wonderful sponsor, a newfound life from working the Steps, and the support of my recovery family. I would like to especially extend my gratitude to Mr. Paul Hinshaw for showing me how to love the little girl within me. Thank you. I am forever grateful.